I’m horrible at this.
As I’m typing this, I should be listening to my songs to see if there’s something that needs to be changed. I will do it eventually – it’s 3:06 in the afternoon – because today it’s Mixing Deadline Day and that means that all the songs must be ready tonight so Monday and Tuesday can be used for mastering and sending “Bloodsports” to my distributor, if I want to have my music on streaming service by 13 June.
Normally I would freak out. The album must be DONE in two days and you’re writing stuff on the blog? That’s why I’m horrible at this. It’s not even procrastinating, because I know and I can recognise that I’m good at making plans and getting things done. If I have six tasks that must be completed before the day ends, I’m really good at planning things out so that I eventually do it, and I’m also good at re-planning and re-arranging in case things screw up. I don’t say very often that I’m good at something, but I AM good at this.
On the 24th of April I realised that “Bloodsports” was a ship without a captain. I was recording whenever I could/want to, but obviously I wasn’t making great progresses. I didn’t have a plan, and so I was lazy. But then I decided to have a goal and deadlines – 13 June, album out. Now I’m on Mixing Deadline Day and if I pull out my phone and start listening to the mixes, there’s a chance that all the songs might not need any correction. Yes, I like to dream but still there’s this chance, and I still have enough time to make those corrections. I hit my recording deadline, and I’m still in time to hit my mixing deadline.
So, why am I writing here? Why do I say that I’m horrible at this?
Because this is the part of making music that I personally HATE. I HATE checking mixes. There are a few things that I can’t stand doing in my life. Packing my luggage is one of them, or making important calls – I had plans to call my bank two weeks ago and I have yet to do it, that’s absurd isn’t it? In this list comes also the final listening of an album. If it was for me, I would keep it like this in my hard drive forever and move on to another project.
And I’m NOT kidding. I HATE doing this.
The point is that I have an audience on an Italian blog, and I made sure they could see my progress from 26 April to today. And they will see my progress this week. They will see that the album has been sent out to the distributor on 6 June, and that I will have hit my goal to release “Bloodsports” on 13 June.
But what if I didn’t have an audience?
That’s the point. What if I have to do something that I hate and nobody expects to see me doing it in some ways? That’s not procrastinating, that’s avoiding. I am avoiding to listen to my album. I am avoiding to call my bank. I am avoiding to start to think about what to bring with me in two weeks when I’m running the Rome Half Marathon. I am avoiding all of this, I am NOT procrastinating.
If I could pay a dude to do all this for me, I would give him 1000€ for each task. (ideally, the reality is that I’m pretty much broke)
But I don’t want to do this. There are moments in which this war on myself is utterly exhausting and I would happily lose battles rather than to fight. I don’t want to lose, but I have finite willpower and finite energy.
This must change… but how?
How do you walk towards a point when you flippin hate the destination? How could I ever be able to instantly stand up and go to a reggaeton party when I flippin hate Latin music to the bone? You see where I’m going.
They say that a good idea is to divide that big task in smaller chunks and do them over time. That might work for my album, but how am I supposed to have a conversation with my bank on the phone spread out over, say, 5 days? You either call them or don’t call them.
You either do something or not do it.
…I gotta go and listen to those songs now. It’s 3:47 pm.